I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
