i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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