Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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