he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
