Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
