Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
