I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
