Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Sober January is a disaster.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
