So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
