what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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