I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
