Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
