we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
