I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
