I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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