Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Someone signed my nipple.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
