Your mouth is God's brothel.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My dick has a subreddit
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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