I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Randomize
