Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
