I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
