My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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