i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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