omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he puts the penis in happiness.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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