I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
