angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
