Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
