he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
