I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
