I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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