the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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