I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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