How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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