i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize