i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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