dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
