i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
