Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
