I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
