Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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