He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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