Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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