Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
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I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
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You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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