Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
i now understand why vodka
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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