mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
