you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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