Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
