My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
