We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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