I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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