just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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