They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
A+ Viking dick
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
