I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
