I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
