His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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