If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
