I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
