I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
